


In This Life

by Cosmic_Dryad_Deity



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Agender Mikasa, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, But the past is (mostly) cannon, Explinations for everything, F/F, Gay Erwin Smith, Gay Male Character, Hange spelled Hanji, Help, I can do that right?, I can't handle how they died., I have no idea what I'm doing, I'll try to tag more as I go, I'm changing someone's death., I'm terrible at tagging, M/M, Multi, Pansexual Eren Yeager, Polyamory, Slow Build, Twists to come, non-binary hanji, nope nope nope, so many characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-07-16 21:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7285537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmic_Dryad_Deity/pseuds/Cosmic_Dryad_Deity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this life, I don't remember you. I try, but my mind forces me to shy away from the truth. In this life, I don't remember you. And I don't even know it is killing me.</p>
<p>-------------</p>
<p>Also that one fic where almost everyone is reincarnated, and are slowly remembering their past life from "Great War".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The start

**Author's Note:**

> I'm terrible at this. So so so terrible at this. This is my first work to be posted in over five years. And the first one I have ever done that is multi chapter. I tried so hard to go over everything, so please be kind. I edit a lot, but I feel like I'm terrible with grammar. So please let me know if I messed up. All mistakes are my own. I'm going to try and keep updates regular. The first chapter was supposed to be like 6000-8000 words, but I decided to break it up. It'll allow me to update easier for now.

It was late. I looked out the window and sighed. Really late, if the sun was anything to guess by. I tried to think about how long I had been up this time. After a few seconds I gave up guessing and rubbed my face with a groan. It was a rare weekend for me. I had no work. The whole house to myself. And since Mikasa and Armin were both out of town, Annie had decided to go out this weekend to be with Ymir and Historia.

It was Friday night (more like Saturday morning). There was a six pack of craft beer sitting in my fridge, and a full pot of coffee sitting in the kitchen. Though the later was most likely going cold. And yet I was still stuck on what I wanted to write. I had been staring at my cursor since I got home from work on Thursday. Only getting up for coffee or restroom breaks. I took a sip of my current cup, and regretted it. The bitter flavor of cold, over roasted coffee exploded on my tongue. I quickly put the cup to the side. I looked back at my computer screen with annoyance. Like it was its fault my mind kept wandering. I wouldn't even notice what had happened until three hours had passed.

I twisted my face when I went to take another sip of my cold coffee. I would think the first sip would have kept me from doing it a second, but nope. With a kick of my leg I pushed away from the computer desk, cup in hand. My rolly chair made it half way across the living room area, and I then got up and walked the rest of the way. My cup went into the microwave, and it was set for a minute. Out of habit I looked into the fridge for something to eat. Though I knew anything I had to prepare was going to be ignored. Much to my happiness I found already cut up veggies with a note on their plastic wrap.

I grabbed the note first and read it, a small smile already on my face. _I hope this is found before Sunday. I love you Eren, I hope this weekend treats you well._ \- _Mikasa_. I giggled and looked up to the time on the stove. Well it was Saturday, but I did find it before Sunday. So I won't be lying when I tell her that much. I then pulled the plate from the fridge and placed it on the counter to my left, while keeping the fridge open with my foot. I leaned back to the fridge and grabbed the ranch which had another note on it. At this point the microwave beeped at me to let me know it was done, but I ignored it for the note.

_You also have to eat more than veggies this weekend, Eren. I helped prep some food, its in the freezer. - Armin_ . I shook my head at Armin. I didn't know what I had done to deserve those two, but I was completely grateful for them. They put up with my quirks and even went out of their way to make sure I was still healthy. It was sad how well they knew me, though. Before we moved in together I would go days without real food. Most people say it was because I'm lazy. Armin and Mika are some of the few that understand I just don't think about my hunger much. Growing up in poverty did that to a person. 

But no matter what, those two kept reminding me that I could eat like a normal human again. I fucking loved them for their patience, and decided to do something special for them when I got paid next Friday. I pulled the plastic wrap off the plate and made a space in the middle for the ranch. After I had poured a small pool on to the plate, I recapped the the bottle and put it back in the fridge. At the same time I grabbed a Tupperware container from the freezer and placed it on the counter. It would have taken forever for it to defrost in the fridge.

I grabbed my coffee from the microwave and stirred it with a chopstick that was sitting on a plate. Afterwards the cup and plate of veggies went to the couch with me. The house was a little small for four people, but we made due. It was all very open minus the back where our bedrooms were. With the kitchen bleeding into the dinning/living room area. We had a small table placed along the wall near where the fridge was. The hallway to our rooms and door were to the right of it. We had a counter that followed the same wall to the left, and it was only broken by the stove. At the corner the dishwasher connected the counter space. Next to it sat the sink. We also had an island on wheels that we bought when we realized we needed more meal prep space.

Our couch faced away from the kitchen space, which pointed it towards the window. It was most likely my favorite piece of furniture ever. It was this tiny, yellow, gungy looking thing, but it was clean. The cushions were soft, and we had two small pillows added so we could lean against the arm rests. It was that little bit of for site that allowed three of us to sit on it at a time. In the far corner, resting against the same wall as the window, was a pink, folding, papasan. When all of us were hanging out, one sat on that.

In front of the couch was a coffee table that I had made out of some of our broken book shelves. I used all the excess pieces so it had some cubbies on the bottom that I hadn't planned on. They were originally just there for support so the top wouldn't sag. But Mikasa had noticed and pointed out their double use. I was grateful it turned out better that originally planned. Currently we each had laid claim on one of the cubbies. Mine held my laptop when I wasn't using it, and a sketch pad. Mikasa's had whatever current book they were reading. Armin's had his school notebooks. Annie just placed whatever she wanted in her own. Currently it held some papers and two books.

After carefully arranging myself on the couch I placed my plate in my lap and sipped my coffee. I was having to convince myself to eat since my appetite diminished the longer I went without sleep. And for once I wasn't forcing myself to not sleep. This wasn't a bout of me being bitten by the motivation bug. I wish that was the case. If I could write, I would feel a little less useless. But no, my dreams decided they hated me. For the past month I have been waking up after 2-3 hours of sleep. Always just enough to get through one REM cycle. And it wasn't even like these dreams were noticeably scary.

I can never really remember what any of them are about. Normally only the images are an array of blurry colors. Greens and browns like to dominate most of them. I'll always feel like I'm moving quickly, and then my heart would start to race. The dreams never last long, but I'm always sweaty when I come to. Some nights I feel completely consumed by anger, and I just lay in bed trying to control myself. Other nights I'm so stricken with grief I have to find one of my room mates to sleep with, unable to shake the irrational worried that one of them had died. Even thinking about my dreams causes my chest to constrict some. I have been contemplating telling Mikasa and Armin about them. And with the way this weekend has been going, I believe I'm going to follow that plan. Maybe talking about them will help me.

Frowning I realized I hadn't touched my plate yet and put my coffee down. It was easy to tell Mikasa was really thinking hard about me when these were cut. They had given me a huge arrangement to choose from. Orange bell peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, and cucumbers where slowly picked at until, I got through half the plate. I quickly put it back into the fridge, and then went back to my couch. The window didn't have a great view. But it was better than any view in city. I got to see the “woods” that we had out back, which where just a bunch of Pine trees that had been planted when this place was built. Though there were plenty of wildlife critters that made their homes in there. I was really lucky some days, and got to watch woodpeckers do their thing.

The neighborhood was a set up of “cabins” to give it a secluded feeling. For the most part it worked. We had fallen in love with the feeling of this place two years ago, and they were thankfully cheap. Even after adding Annie to our group, we didn't feel the need to move. Instead we just took the office space and moved it into the living room area. It was now blocked off by some curtains we bought/made, and was to the left of the couch. We could pull the curtains back if the person working wanted to talk, but normally they were closed off. I looked at it and realized I needed to put the chair back before everyone came home. I just shrugged and went back to my coffee. I could get to it late.

We all had laptops, but the office space had our desktop that we had bought together. Mikasa rarely used it, has she had a huge laptop that had a normal keyboard. Armin used it when he couldn't go to the library. Annie was always doing homework on it, as she would remain focused at home. She also didn't have a laptop, since she still couldn't find a job. And I....pretend to use it. Lately I have been carrying my tiny net book laptop with me everywhere, since motivation never hits me at home. So I carried the other thing, just encase inspiration ever hit me while I was away. In the past month, it has only happened once. I managed to write a paragraph before I lost my train of though. I haven't typed a word since then.

Its been heart breaking for me. The longer I go with out writing, the more I worry I will never write again. The more worried I get, the harder it is to focus. And it just becomes a never ending loop.

Trying to take my mind off my dilemma I pulled my phone out and opened my internet browser. I tried scrolling through Facebook, only to grow disappointed. I had a few really smart friends who were doing awesome things, and I still didn't know where I was going in life. I kept scrolling, hoping for something to lift my spirits. In the end I just grew more angry with myself.

And just like that, my frustration came back. All I wanted to do was write, go to work, and try to go to school. But I was barely able to keep up with work. The idea of dealing with a bunch of students at the local college was overwhelming at best. Tossing my phone to the table I flopped onto my side, careful to not hit my head on the arm rest. This lack of sleep was keeping me from doing any of the things I want to do, and I just wasn't sure how to fix it.

I got more comfortable on the couch, curling up to have my whole body on it. It wasn't the best fit, but I felt safe this way. I was just staring out the window when I noticed that there were rain clouds rolling in. A smile graced me then. Maybe the rain would actually relax me enough to get more than three hours of sleep. I shifted some more and closed my eyes. I started my breathing exercises and worked on relaxing each of my muscles in my shoulders. I would focus on one set at a time. This was the only way I could even try to sleep, and I hoped it worked for me today.

 

 

I was running...or was I flying. I could never tell. But whatever it was, I was moving quickly. The environment around me was yet another swirl of colors that blended together. The most over powering colors were brown and green, which always made me think of a real forest. I could feel anger in my chest. Almost like I was chasing something. Suddenly, I felt my body (or what I thought was my body) lurch and then the running came to a stop. Instead it felt like the world was tumbling. And I felt myself hit the ground. Or I figured it was the ground. Faintly I heard screaming around me. Nothing made sense though, and I didn't know where the noise was coming from. After what seemed like forever (though was most likely only a few seconds) I felt myself ram into something. And the tumbling stopped.

At this point I was at peace. Which was odd, I was never at peace. The screaming sound came closer and I felt something land beside me. At this point all anger was gone. It was almost like I was floating. I felt a bit of sadness, like I was leaving something unfinished. The person who had been screaming had grown quiet at this point. It felt as if they were holding my hand, and something about that made me feel happy.

They were repeating something, and I strained so hard to hear them. I only caught what sounded like “Please” and “Eren”. Giving up on my sense of sound, I tried to reach the person. Even though I couldn't see them, I knew them. And I wanted them to be happy. My body screamed at me, and I barely shifted before I had to stop.

The person was joined by someone else, or at least I assumed by the second voice. Which spoke slowly and calmly. I also knew them. I knew them almost as much as the other person. I felt something wet hit my face, and I frowned. Instinctively I knew that the second person was crying, which never happened. Ever. I tried to speak as the dream world start to fade to black. The second person that joined leaned down to me. I felt the wet hit my face again, and I was positive that they were crying. I tried to speak again. All that came out was a croaking noise. However, The last thing I heard, was also the only thing that was clear. A gentle “I love you.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -peeks out from under her blankets- Its about time to update again. I really shouldn't be so nervous about this. -Throws chapter out and goes back to hiding-

     For the first time in a month I didn't jolt awake in the middle of the dream. Instead my brain did a slow start up, and my eyes tried to open. After a lot of discussions with my body, I was able to move some. My eyes kept fluttering open, then back close, and they felt like they were on fire. I slowly moved my hand to my face and rubbed one of them. The movement was protested by my arm, and the action just caused my eye to hurt more. Temporarily blind, I felt around me to take in my surroundings. I was quick to realize that I was laying on the floor, and it seemed I was facing the couch. I followed the fabric up to find the top of it. Then, with great care, I raised my body up, and dragged myself on to the couch.  
     I fell over once I was on the cushions. My body was still not ready to move. Sleep was addling my brain, and I felt a headache pinprick behind my eyes. Without thinking I pressed the heal of my palm into my eyes. This only caused the stringing to get worse. I winced and removed my palms. By how I felt I was tempted to try sleeping again. The kink in my back told me I would need my bed, and I just wasn't sure I could make it.  
     After laying on the couch for who knows how long, my eyes finally stopped hurting. A few tentative tries of opening them later, I found that the stringing was completely gone. Fully opening them showed me to an all dark room. I was confused and thought that I maybe slept longer than planned. A look out the windows told me that most of the darkness came from the storm going on outside. I groaned and looked for my phone, which was still on the table. Turning the lock screen off, I saw that it was around 5 pm.  
     While I didn't sleep all day, I had gotten more than 3 hours of sleep. I said thank you to the air around me, and then forced myself to sit up. I needed to drink some coffee, eat the food I pulled out, and brush my teeth. I was hoping those first two items would cure my headache. I slowly stood up, careful to keep a hand on the couch. I normally wouldn't care, but I really didn't want to make this headache worse. I then shuffled to the kitchen after a few minutes of just standing there.  
I dumped all the old coffee out, not in the mood for reheated coffee. I got the new pot ready and then popped the Tupperware into the microwave. I will forever be grateful that we bought microwave safe containers.  
     With all the food stuff started I made my way to the bathroom. At this point my mind wandered to the dream while I went about my normal wake up routine. The whole thing was weird. I never felt peaceful in any of those dreams. Seemed to be a habit of my group. If any of us had a dream, it was never pleasant. I was just grateful Armin and Mikasa were mostly safe from them. I also then re-swore to myself to tell them about what had been going on.  
     I was pulled out my thoughts by looking into the mirror. (I also faintly heard the microwave ding, but I ignored it). Bags were under my eyes, and the whites were bloodshot. The normal bright-ish green color was faded, with added flecks of brown. Seeing this caused me to sighed. My eyes were natural mood detectors. Rarely you could tell that I had hazel eyes, since mine like to stay some sort of green. However, the moment I hit a funk, the color grew dim. The more brown, the worse the mood.  
     I was grateful to see my skin was still tan. Though there was a sickly tinge to it. Like underneath everything I was green. I finally looked at my hair and it let it down. Since I was young I always wanted long hair. My mother had always been supportive of it, but my father wasn't. When he won the custody bottle over me, I was forced into his image. Since I was 18 and had moved out I had been growing it out. It was one of the few things I was really proud of. With a frown I noticed how greasy it had gotten and I suddenly felt like I needed a shower. I also felt like I was going to yelled at for getting so “dirty”. Which was weird since no one in my life would have ever said that. Not even my father, since he had grown into a slob.  
     I kept trying to reason with myself, but couldn't shake the feeling off. It was more of a feeling of concern, rather than panic. But it really wouldn't go away. So I decided that the shower would just be quicker and easier. Rather fighting myself. I could always reheat the food once I was out.  
     I went to grab some clean clothes from my room, and a towel from the hall closet. Before I got under the water, I was pretty sure the shower was going to be quick. Thirty minutes later, I felt the water grow cold and quickly turned it off. Surprised I dried off and got dressed before leaving the room. It was rare for me to take long showers. Something about the noise caused me issues after a few minutes. I shrugged it off, figuring this whole day had been weird.  
     I went back to the kitchen to finish heating the food. I then started cleaning up the house some. It wasn't overly messy, but I did have a few things to pick up. My coffee cups had started to collect, and I wanted to do some laundry. By time my cleaning fit was done, I had to put the food back in for another thirty seconds. I did get everything done though. The counters had been whipped down, and all my dishes were cleaned and put away. I never used the dishwasher when I was by myself.  
     The microwave beeped to let me know it was done. Grabbing a plate, I pulled the Tupperware container onto it. I then poured and sweetened some coffee for myself. I hopped up onto the counter and ate my food there. I always did things weird when the others were gone. Something about having the space to myself, made me want to take up less space.  
     After I finished my food, I found myself to still hungry. I guess the sleep did more good for me than I thought, because I proceededed to eat the rest of the vegetables. I then did my dishes again, and went back to the couch with my cup, after refilling it. Days like these always had me wishing we had a T.V with some sort of game console. Then I would shake the thought off and be really grateful we didn't. Not having games made me do other things. Like going to the gym. Which I hadn't done it a while. I took a sip of my coffee and hummed to myself. The last time I went to the gym was a complete bust. I was barely able to run a mile before I had to leave. The dreams had just started, and my body hadn't been used to the lack of sleep yet.  
     Deciding to check on my energy levels, I scanned the room to find the yoga mat we had bought. It was a cheap yellow one (we like yellow). I finally spotted it behind the table by the fridge. I finished my coffee while thinking about my routine. I didn't want to do anything to heavy. I had just eaten, and it had been three weeks since my last real session. After placing the cup onto the counter in the kitchen, I grabbed the mat and threw it out on the floor. Having very little furniture always made me happy when I wanted to do yoga.  
     I went through some basic stretches, testing how far I could still go. After a round of that I started doing my actual routine and quickly realized I was way too out of practice. After only 15 minutes of trying, I was forcing myself to stop and cool down. This made me reaffirm my idea of talking to the others about everything. I may not be able to work on my story, but I wasn't going to lose my health as well. Hell, maybe even working out would help me sleep better.  
I then went to the closet and grabbed two wash cloths. After wetting one with hot water I whipped down the mat, and dried it off with the other. Rolling it back up I placed it by the computer desk and then threw the wash clothes into the laundry basket.  
     After some looking around I flopped back on the couch. Enjoying the feeling of relaxed muscles, I debated the idea of trying to write. I was thinking about dabbling in fan fiction, since my story wasn't going like I had planned. I quickly shook that thought out of my brain. I loved reading Fan fiction, but I was terrible at writing it. I just couldn't come up with worlds I wanted to put them in. It was weird. Before I could start getting upset at myself, my phone buzzed on the table.  
I unlocked it again and saw that I had a message from Sasha. I started to feel bad right away. I had promised to do her hair at some point, but I couldn't remember if we ever came up with a time. I pulled the message up and gave it a quick read. Really hoping she wasn't pissed with me.

From: Sasha  
7:02 pm  
Duuuuuuuuuude. Where have you been? The gym is starting to get super lonely without my favorite regular.

To: Sasha  
7:02  
I'm sorry! :( I haven't been up for much of anything lately. Work has been crazy, and my sleep has been off.

     I hesitated to tell her about my dream issues, but I figured this was a good way to start talking about them. Sasha wouldn't tell anyone unless I asked her to. She was also great at just listening. Maybe I would run to the gym. If nothing else I could get a run out. My phone buzzed again.

From: Sasha  
7:05  
Well you could always come hang out with meeeeee. I'm bored. The new nightly regular doesn't talk to me. WHO DOESN'T TALK TO ME? Its starting to make me feel like I lost my awesomeness.....Plus I want cookies from Half Baked.

     At this point I laughed and stared at the phone. She would message me because she wanted food.

To: Sasha  
7:06  
Are you sure you even want to hang out with me. It sounds like you're using me for food. Brat.

     I thought about my options and pretty much decided I was going to go. Cookies sounded amazing, since Half Baked was the best bakery around. I also needed to get out. I hadn't left the house for anything but work in a while. Though I was pretty sure that with cookies involved, I wasn't going to run.

From: Sasha  
7:08  
Well my request for you getting my hair done, failed, so a girl gotta do what shes gotta do.

From: Sasha  
7:08  
That was a joke. I totally get being busy. I haven't even had time for the hair stuff or I would have messaged you way sooner. So are you heading over? Those cookies aren't going to bring themselves.

     I laughed at her knowing I would have felt guilty with that comment and just replied with a Yes. She knew I would message her once the cookies were in bound to her. I then got up and went back to my room. My gym bag was sitting to the side of the door, and I grabbed it before heading to my closet. I located my rainbow gear hidden in the back of my closet. They were some of the few articles I never folded and put away. I then grabbed two pairs of socks, putting one set on and the other into the bag. I threw some fresh underwear and my deodorant into my bag. I didn't need shampoo or soap since this was a nice gym. They always had that kind of stuff stocked. Which was awesome since I always needed a shower after a good run. I was Nick-Named Sweaty McGee by some of my work out buddies. Even Mikasa got into saying it. And I couldn't fight them on the observation. I was like a walking pool after a run.  
     I was then grateful that I had the plus membership for my gym. Since it normally closed around 8pm even on the weekends. The place I went with had a few buildings opened. The little one was 24 hours so long as you were a member, but it was a basic set up. I had finally caved and started spending the extra 10 dollars a month so I could get into the main gym whenever I wanted. It had a sauna, a pool, the biggest free weight section I have ever seen, and more machines than I could count. Plus there was a climbing wall. Which I loved. It helped I was one of the few people that ever used it.  
     Finally having my bag packed, I went to the kitchen and turned off the coffee pot. No point in wasting the energy. I then grabbed my phone from the table and slipped it in my pocket. I went to the front door and grabbed my keys from the hook on the wall. My wallet sat on the side table, and my arm phone holder was next to it. Taking one last look around the house, I made sure all the lights and electronics were turned off. I then grabbed my stuff from the side table and left the house. Excited to be out for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for kudos and feedback. Please keep me from starving <3~


	3. Cookies and Hair Dye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness. Here you go! I think I'm like a day late. Whatever. Anyway! Enjoy~

      I locked the door with a smile, and started to jog to my parking space. While the neighborhood was safe, I never liked leaving doors unlocked. It was a form of freedom I never had before. And one of the few “negatives” about the area we lived in was the parking. We didn't have drive ways or anything like that. They had built parking lots near the end of each street. I liked to part at the one the furthest from my house, since it made me get some exercise. Even if I didn't go to the gym, I at least knew I got a brief run out every time I left the house.  
      After a few minutes I was slowing down to the side of my car. I walked around it twice to cool down, and then unlocked the drivers side door. I threw my bag into the back seat as I started to get in. Once settled in, I attached my phone to the aux cord and started to play the music from it. My car purred to life as I turned it on, and I started to pull of the the parking space. Once again I felt extremely grateful about having Mikasa in my life. The car I had was one of the few good things I had, thanks to to Mika. They refused to let any of our cars go to shit, since they could work on them. They loved figuring out what any problem was with a car, and I really wish someone would actually hire them into a shop. So far everyone had treated them like shit, and I hated how unhappy it made my sibling.  
      I decided to go the back roads to downtown, enjoying the scenery. The time on my car said 7:28 pm, so I knew it was to early for traffic to start. I just wanted to look at some of college farm field. Even though I didn't know shit about Agriculture I still enjoyed seeing what they did with the fields. I went back to thinking about college and wondered if I was ever going to go. My anxiety had been getting worse lately, and I still didn't have a clue what I wanted to learn about. I could go in for a creative writing degree, but something about that always turned me off. I enjoyed writing, and I loved learning how to be a better writer. The idea of going to college for that bugged me though. I was worried that writing for school would ruin my already fragile creative ability.  
      I shook my head and tried to think about something else. College always depressed me. After a bit of driving my town started to reappear around me. When I realized where I was, I slowed my car down. I had hit my favorite strip of the outer side of town. The shop owners all really cared about how their strip of road looked. So there were trees planted that no one else had. Almost every store had a small garden in front of it, some with edible plants. They were for the homeless who lived in our town. It was hard to force change through the main government, so people helped how they could. Those couldn't have gardens out side, kept some plants in their windows in side. It was getting late for this side of town, so most places were closing up at this point.  
      The car was slowed to a crawl. There was a shop that I was coming up on, that I always stared at as I passed. I had been wanting to check it out forever. Its outside was simple brick and just had the words Tea and Book shop on the front of it. The whole store, from the outside, look super simple. The actual name was Jefferson Street Tea and Book store. The store itself had been around for ages, but last year its name was changed and the tea section was added.  
      Apparently it was also spruced up some, and the space next to it was bought to allow it to be more organized. I had wanted to check it out before all of the changes, and I want to even more when I heard about them. I just always forgot to do it. I saw the lights turn off and a smaller figure walked out. At this point I looked away. One day I would check it out. Today was not that day. So I went back to driving normally, needing to focus on where to park.  
      It was 8:00 when I finally pulled into a parking spot a few blocks from the cookie shop. I grabbed my wallet and phone, sliding them into my pockets. After getting out I locked the car and started down the side walk. By time I had reached the shop I had already decided on what I wanted. I ordered and went back out after they were handed off. The smell of fresh cookies was almost intoxicating. It had been a while since I had any, and I fought the temptation to eat one now. I got back to my car and quickly set back out for the gym  
      Almost an hour after my phone call with Sasha, I was pulling into the gym parking lot. There were two other cars already there, one of which I knew as Sasha's. I assumed the other was from the new regular she bitched about. Which bitch may have been a harsh word to use. Either way, I was there and suddenly felt excited to see my friend again. Everything was grabbed from the car, and it was locked it up again. I then pulled my gym card out of my wallet and slipped it through the card reader at the door. After making sure the door closed fully behind me, I scanned the building. Sasha was sitting behind the front desk, her face was lit up by her computer screen. Her brown hair was pulled up in a half-assed bun, and it looked like she had a lolly pop in her mouth. I chuckled lightly before walking up to her to scan my card. The beeping noise caused her to jump and squeak a little. At this point I remembered I never texted her.  
      “Whoops.” I said, dropping my bag to the ground, cookies still in hand. She just glared at me before closing her laptop. Then she put her hand out and pouted.  
      “Gimme!” I looked at her shocked. Placing a hand on my heart I looked up to the ceiling.  
      “Gimme? Really Sasha? Is this how you talk to the bringer of cookies?” I pouted right back at her and brought the box close to my chest. “I don't know if I want to share now, you hurt my feelings.”  
      She laughed at me and propped herself up on her other hand. The one extended stayed that way. “Well you scared me, so it is only fair. What did you get?” I just placed the box on her counter and let her look herself. She squealed happily and grabbed one of the double chocolate chunk ones. “Ooooh Eren, you shouldn't have. You got an assortment. I think I'm in love....with the cookies.”  
      I flipped my hair, which was still down at this point and smirked. “I'm to much for you to love.” I then grabbed a cookie and started munching on it. “Plus, Connie would be very miffed if you left him for me.” She just snorted and we feel into a happy silence. After three cookies, I decided a break was in store. To much sugar was going to kill me. So I decided to go to the restroom. At this point I knew I wasn't going to run, so I just let myself enjoy being with Sasha. We always had the best time.  
      I came back to a pouting Sasha and raised an eyebrow at her in question. “I can't believe you just missed the new guy!” She was practically yelling and throwing her hands about. “Like, I've been having to almost fight for my normal schedule because the other girls are INFATUATED WITH HIM. He also looks super familiar, so I had been hoping you would have known where I had seen him before.” Fuming she stuffed the rest of the cookie she had into her mouth. I just laughed and sat on one of the chairs near the counter.  
      “Is that the only reason you wanted me to see him?” I saw her shake her head, and waited for her to finish chewing.  
      “Nope! He is hot as fuck. Like holy hell. I'm not normally into smaller guys, but this guy is just...whew.” She made a motion of fanning herself before continuing. “I think he's gay though, so that is why I wanted to show him to you. You could use some good eye candy. I know the people that show up at your job. They aren't pleasant to look at.” I made a face at that comment. While I loved my job, she was right on the lack of eye candy. We had mostly older people that went there, or stiff business men. Nothing I was really into.  
      “Well there is always next time. I'm going to need you to start helping me leave the house more often. This lack of sleep had really gotten me out of my work out schedule, think you can help me out?”  
      She gave me a thumbs up and I smiled back in thanks. “I'm going to write out my normal work schedule, and we can work with that, sound good?” I nodded again and let her get to work. When it came to work out routines, this woman was the bomb. She wasn't toned to the point of no fat, but she was one of the strongest people I knew. Mikasa and her were often in competitions against each other. It was fun to watch.  
      I pulled out my phone and put my headphones in. If I wasn't going to work out, I was at least going to relax. Sasha would tell me when she was ready to talk about the schedule. And my stomach was already pissed about the cookies. Whoops. I told Sasha were I was going and wandered to the lounge area. I laid down after I pushed two couches together and let the music entertain me.  
      I found myself actually thinking about the tea-shop for some reason. I started to image what I thought it looked inside. I had books set up in certain ways, and the tea spot was done in a bar style. That was also were you would buy your books. Comfortable chairs were scattered everywhere. And while everything was neat, it also felt like you could get lost in it. Even though it was too small for that. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      I was so focused on my thoughts I never realized I fell asleep. So when Sasha woke me up I was confused. She must have been able to tell because she sat next to me until I could actually see her. A small smile was on her face and I rubbed my eyes. “Whoa....how long was I out?”  
      She just shrugged, “All I know is that I'm going to be getting off soon, so I figured I should wake you. Make it look like you are just relaxing after a work out. Don't want to get either of us in trouble.” I blinked at her even more confused. I had slept until the end of her shift? That was fucking crazy. Either way I sat up and she helped me move the couches back to where they went. I then grabbed one of the free water bottles, and sat with her as she did her end of the day stuff. She told me about the routine she had worked out for me, and asked if I wanted to hang out some more. Maybe actually get her hair done.  
      I just laughed and agreed. I was trying to come with terms to sleeping TWICE in the same day, and neither times I had nightmares. This time I went from thinking about the tea shop to actually dreaming about. I had deamt about wandering along the shelves, writing at one of the few tables it had, and enjoying some of the best tea in the world. I explained this to Sasha and she just smiled at me.  
      “I'm really glad you got some sleep Eren. You still have bags, but I know this is a good step. I just hope everything keeps moving like this.” She then looked up and waved as the door opened. Her replacement came in and she explained everything that happened today. Which wasn't much. Her replacement, Chris, just nodded and got stuff set up under his account. Once everything was ready to go he waved her out. “Go. Go. Be gone. And get your fucking hair done.” He smiled at me with a nod and then got on his own computer and shut us out. Sasha ran to the back, checked out and was ready to go.  
      I agreed to follow her home, and grabbed the box of cookies before she could. “The rest are mine.” I said with a pout and she huffed. With that we left and got in our separate cars. The car that had been there was replaced by Chris'. After getting organized I followed her out of the parking lot and to her house. Her home wasn't a far drive from here, only about 15 minutes. I was very grateful for this fact, since I was still waking up. We parked and went up the stairs to her apartment. After her fighting with her locks (she should really get those looked at) she almost fell into the apartment. Connie was on the couch and greeted her, “Heyoooo, love....loves.” He added the last bit after seeing me. I just flipped him off as I removed my shoes. “You finally gonna do her hair? She's been bemoaning it for ages now.”  
      I nodded and looked up to see that Sasha had crossed the room to Connie's spot. They were having a sweet hello moment, so I just silently went to the bathroom. I had helped Sasha with her hair before, so I started pulling out where all the supplies from were they were stashed.  
      By time Sasha came in with her stool, I had the gloves already on. I was pouring the developer cream into to mixing bowl as she flipped on the over head fan. We may not be bleaching her hair, but the fumes could still make a person dizzy. After measuring out the dye I added it to the cream and started mixing. Once that was done I looked over to see her already sectioning off her hair for me.  
      I moved to behind her and grabbed two of the clips from the counter. I then grabbed the comb from her mouth and separated the back into three sections. I only needed to do two, but this made it easier for me to get all the spots. I clipped two of the sections back and then started re-combing her hair. It was always good to make sure it was easy to comb through. Our eyes met in the mirror and I gave her a big smile. She then explained she just wanted her whole head covered this time, and I nodded in understanding. She didn't like to bleach her hair too often, so she just normally saturated her hair and waited to see what would catch.  
      We chatted aimlessly as I started on the first sections she gave me. I always did roots first, going through each section until they were all done. I would then start back at the beginning and add dye to the rest of her hair. I could tell there was something she wanted to talk about as I worked, but neither of us felt like bringing it up right now.  
      She asked if I was going to stay much later after this was done, and I shook my head no. I wanted to be home when the others came back. I was of course rewarded with a frown at this. I then explained the trips that Mika and Ar went on, and she brightened up. She knew we never did well after being separated for a weekend. I was sure to other people that was weird, but it was just how we were. The next week was going to be spent cuddling up on the couch watching the woods out back. There would be a lot of talking about what happened on their trips. And I knew they would ask a lot about my dreams. It was going to be nice, since I already missed them greatly.  
      Finally Sasha sighed and looked at me through her hair. I stopped moving for a second and then nodded. I needed to know her exact question, but she needed to know I would actually answer. Her gaze dropped again, “How long have they been happening, Eren?” I sighed and explained all of that to her. I talked about how often they happened (every night), when they started (a little over a month ago), anything that I thought may of triggered them (not unusual came to mind). She then started getting more detailed. Asking what the dreams were about, what details I remembered. I started explaining the not being able to see in detail, but I did feel a lot of emotions. I talked about the most common dreams first. The feeling of almost flying, the utter rage I would get, and how sometimes I felt like I grew in size.  
      I then talked about the uncommon dreams. The ones that I normally woke up crying from. The ones that made me feel like I had truly lost something important, and had to climb into bed with one of the others. The need that I would feel to make sure everyone was okay. I would talk about how I would blame myself. How I always felt like I was truly to blame my for sadness. I mentioned the other person. The one who knew. Understood. They would calm me. They would plan, and I trusted them. I trusted all there was to them. Even though I never got to see them.  
      Then the most recent one come to mind. I told her everything about it. The emotions. The peace. The tears that shouldn't have been. The knowledge I gained. How happy those three little words made me. I talked about it all. The entire time my eyes were still focused on the task at hand. I didn't want to see her. See her pity, or revulsion. By time I was done talking, her hair was being wrapped up. She hadn't said a word.  
      Finally, I looked at her. I saw tears in her eyes, and I felt guilty. I told her there wasn't a reason to cry. I apologized for dumping it on her. I just kept saying a bunch of things I couldn't remember, until she looked at me. First through the mirror. Then she turned around and looked at me. Her hair was a mess, held up by clips and plastic wrap. She shouldn't have looked serious. But she did.  
      She grabbed my hands and just stared at me. The next thing I knew, she stood up and hugged me. Soft sobs escaped her, and she was shaking. Worried I held her. I tried to sooth her and she just cried more. Finally she stopped. She pulled away and looked at me again. Sadness still evident. “I'm sorry...” she said. She then cut me off before I could protest. “I'm sorry for something you don't understand yet. I'm sorry that you will grow to understand. I'm sorry I can't keep it away from YOU of all people.” She sighed and looked at me. “No matter what you dream. No matter what you remember, you can always come to me.”  
      “I...I'm...I'm confused?” I said, now thoroughly perplexed. She just smiled and shrugged.  
      “I'm not going to explain more than I have to. I don't want to force you to deal with this any sooner than needed. I just wanted to let you know that I will always be here for you. And when you start to understand what I am saying, you can come to me. You can tell me everything. And I will help you through it.” She looked back up at me, a small smile on her face. “Just bring cookies when you do.”  
      I laughed, despite my confusion, and agreed with her. If it was a big enough deal for her to cry over it, then I was going to take it seriously. Even if I didn't understand.  
      Connie knock on the door to let us know he was standing in the doorway. A look I couldn't understand passed between them. Love, I assumed. He motioned to the front. “I got food ready, at least join us for breakfast, ya?” I smiled and nodded. Sasha looked back at me, gave me another hug, then left the bathroom with him.  
      For some reason, I felt like that image of her looking back...smiling...would be stuck with me forever.


	4. Of talks and tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I'm so sorry y'all. I'm such a terrible person. I promise I did not mean to not update for like three weeks. This is totally not going to be a normal thing for me. (I have at least three more chapters written at this moment) I didn't update one week because my depression hit me hardcore. I had no motivation, and while I had the chance to update...I really didn't want to. I'm so sorry.  
> Anyway, there will be more excuses at the end of the chapter. For now please accept this short as fuck chapter. I just wanted to get this out to y'all asap.

    An hour later found Sasha and I crying from laughter. Connie had been trying to describe the bakery the two of them wanted to run. He kept trying to start from the kitchen out, but would get confused by which direction he was in. Eventually he gave up, running a hand over his face with a huff. His face was bright red and he had started to slump in his chair. “Yeah fuck you guys. Thanks for the help.” His words held no real bite, considering the pout on his face ruined it. This image just set Sasha and I off even more. It took a good ten minutes to us to calm down. It didn't help it just got worse when either of us looked back up.  
    “Okay, fuck this.” Sasha finally said once she caught her breath. “Eren, close your eyes.” She wiped her tears and took over the talking. Connie gave her the bird when she sent a huge smile at him.  
     I did as she said, still smirking at Connie. “Now tell me when you are calmed down. I want you to focus like you do for writing.” I just nodded and worked to find my center. Sasha was always better at explaining things, so I was confident she would actually paint me a picture I could use. I let my thoughts wonder slightly before drawing them back to my center. Each breath was long and even. Slowly I felt everything shift to my core. And then I felt the click that said everything had settled. Keeping myself focused I gave a small nod, and Sasha started explaining the place.  
     “Okay, imagine a brick building. Its about the size of a typical Starsmucks. In the front, remove the top 3/4s of the wall. Replace it with windows that curve outwards. The door is off white, and in the dead center of the wall. The pathway up is done cobblestone style, and there are trees that line either side. Some are fig trees, others are apples. Along the wall itself are some more plants. Next to the trees are fruiting bushes, and beside them are flowers that help bee colonies. Then the last stretch on either are seasonal veggie plants. Potatoes will be a staple, but there will be other things. Like cucumbers, cantaloupe, watermelon, and whatever else we can do. Inside, the walls will be decorated with the same brick. There will be pictures along the walls on the left wall. To the right there is a small nook. It has the fireplace and some very cushy chairs around it. Every piece of furniture is easily moved, so that people can sit as they need to for their groups. The window shills are turned into reading nooks. There are plugs every four feet. Next to the fireplace is the Cash register and display case. Which lead into the kitchen. Along the left wall are more plugs, and those typical two person cafe tables. There are more chairs and couches in the center of this space. And the across from the door is a hallway. This leads to the bathrooms and the kitchen..” A this point I'm smiling, and enjoy being able to exactly see the building as she discribed it. I hear her shift in her seat and after a moment she sighs. When no other words are forth coming I open my eyes.

    The first thing I see after my vision clears, is Connie is staring at Sasha. His whole body radiates love, and it struck something in my chest. Relaxed face with gentle eyes. Sometime during the talk he had taken Sasha's hand into his own. I looked to see he was currently rubbing the back of it with his thumb. Everything about his body posture showed how content he was. Like there wasn't anywhere else he wanted to be. With a start I realized I rarely saw him so...relaxed. Safe.  
    Normally everything about him screamed how tense he was. Like he was a curled up spring. His jar was always clenched, and he would look everywhere all the time. He rarely seemed to sit still. Often I felt like he was looking for a danger that didn't exist. But now, he was completely focused in on the woman across from him. Sasha was looking down at their clasped hands, a blush creeping up her neck. And she was unable hide the tears that were gently forming around her lashes.  
    I finally realized I was staring at a private moment, and made myself look away. With nothing to distracted me I thought about the clench I had in my chest. Looking down at my hands I tried to pinpoint the feeling. I kept going through emotions until I realized why this was so odd. It felt like longing. But not the longing of finding a love I hadn't yet. More like the longing of a home. Like I was wishing for a specific person to be there with me. To share this moment with me. Part of my soul was angry. Crying out at this person. Saying why aren't you here. Why are you not here beside me. It made me feel as if I had known love like their own before.  
    I lifted my hand to my chest, confused. The more I tried to force the feeling away, the more it hurt. Each breath become more difficult than the last. Each heart beat more noticeable and heavy. Unknowingly I started to cry. I was too focus in on myself to feel them form or fall. I felt like I was grieving for someone. It was greif as profound as the one I felt being ripped from my mother's life. And I felt like a child all over.  
     I took a shuttering breath, trying to will the pain away. It didn't work, but I did feel myself calm down. By time I could pay attention to the world around me again; Connie and Sasha were cleaning up the kitchen. I was struck at how they looked at me, like they knew why I was feeling the way I did. Which didn't make any sense. How could they know something, that I didn't understand myself.  
     I watched them with dull eyes, still wrestling some sense of control of my emotions. By time I relaxed, everything was clean. Sasha came over with a cup a tea and sat it in front of me. I gave her my thanks and she just ruffled my hair. After getting herself a cup she sat beside me with a small smile.  
    “I know it isn't as good as what you make, but I thought it would help.” I gave her a look as I took a sip. I never understood why everyone said my tea was better.. It didn't matter who made the tea, so long as it was this one. Sasha found this black tea a while back, and it immediately became a staple with all my friends. Something about it always seemed to calm me. I felt safe when I drank it. I wasn't the only one though. It seemed to have an effect on all of us, including the tea hating Annie.  
     Halfway through my cup I suddenly felt embarrassed about my break down. I glanced over at her before staring intently at my cup again. I heard the water running stating that Connie was taking a shower, and felt even worse. I was sure I was over staying my welcome. I gripped the cup harder. “I'm....I'm sorry, Sasha. I can leave if you want.” My words were barley audible, but I felt Sasha tense next to me anyway.  
     “Don't...don't apologize. I really should be the one doing it.” She said before looking over me. I felt her place a hand on my shoulder and forced myself to meet her eyes. “I...I wish I could help, Eren. Help you remember. Or help you completely forget. Something....anything...to make this limbo you are in end....” She moved away, withdrawing into herself. “I just wish I knew what could help.”  
     I smiled weakly, then leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder. I felt more tears inexplicably escape my eyes. Yet I couldn't find the will to care. Something in me was screaming at me, and I just wanted it to stop. “You and me both Sasha.” was all I could say. She sighed next to me, and we both finished our tea in silence. At some point Connie had finished his shower and started a movie in the living room.  
     After I felt myself relax again I decided it was time to find my phone. I turned it into a game, even though I knew where I had placed it. I wanted something to lighten the mood we were all in. After five minutes of acting I finally got Connie to call it. Sasha got a good laugh at my expense, and Connie gave me a grateful smile. I saw the time and started kicking myself. I had stayed there far longer than planned. I tried to apologize, only to have Sasha tackle me. You would think she would be more careful with how small her apartment was. Yet she knew exactly were she was going and had me pinned on the couch. Because of her strength and my lack of working out, she kept me pin with ease. It was until I promised to not apologize again that she finally let me go.  
     After I gathered all my stuff, Sasha hugged me. Her arms were a comfort and I let myself feel content for a minute. Her arms were soon replaced by Connie's as he gave me strong hug. Were Sasha was lulling, Connie was grounding. It was a good balance. Then placed his hands on my shoulders and gave me a smile. One that felt like a secret. Something hung back in his eyes that only he knew. Or at least, that is what it felt like. “You'll figure this out, Eren.” He said. An emotion I didn't regonise flickered through his eyes, “You're humanity's hope after all. You're too stubborn to not figure it out.” I tried to laugh at the name I had earned while playing DnD. Yet something about his earnest look had me holding back. I blinked at him, unsure of what to say. He just shrugged and pulled away from me. I felt like I was missing something important. Something huge, but I couldn't even remotely place what.  
     Feeling...weird I told them good night as I got my shoes on, and went to walk out the door. As an after though I looked over to Sasha and pointedly stared at her head. “Don't forget YOUR shower there.” She laughed and gave me a weird version of our military salute.  
     I heard a “Yes, sir!” as I walked out the door. I rolled my eyes and then started the trip back home. Yet the feeling of being off...and missing something just wouldn't leave me alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I mentioned the lack of motivation. After that I lost my freaking charger for my laptop. I haven't been able to write FOR TWO WEEKS. Its been terrible. I can't write by hang, as my hand doesn't move fast enough for my thoughts. It forces me to slow down to much. So I haven't gotten any writing done, and haven't been able to post. All the while, I'm having to dog watch for a friend.  
> And.  
> Their.  
> Dogs.  
> Are.  
> Terrible.  
> TERRIBLE I SAY. Totally not trained. They don't listen. And the back yard isn't fenced in either. So these dogs can run off whenever they so choose. Considering my dog (while far from perfect) is well behaved, this has driven me nuts.  
> But the good news is. I finally got the charger again. Sooooo thats awesome.  
> I should be back to my normal posting routine of every Thursday.  
> I do have another project I'm working on. (A story that I have a sudden huge motivation for). So if my posting is going to be every other week I'll let you know.
> 
> Anyway! My rambling is done. THank you so much for reading. Please give me feed back on what you think. I know this chapter was SUPER short, and I only went back over it once. So it may not be as good as normal.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to post on Thursday. But my computer died as I was editing everything. And I couldn't find my charger, again.  
> So here you go loves. Hope you enjoy! I think I am going to be changing my updates to once every other week, or twice a month. This month will be even less, as I am going to a convention at the end of it.  
> More updates at the end of the chapter!

The sun had risen, and with it other humans. I was grateful for it being Libertatem. It meant less traffic on my drive home. Everything was closed unless it was needed to run the City. This meant that all stores were closed, but buses were still running. Same with other forms of public transportation. For the general public, this was the only day off they had. So most people were at parks or other such things. Spending time with their families and enjoying the good weather this summer had brought.

Our society had started the tradition of the celebration day a long time ago. Something like 2000 or 3000 years ago. It had been during the time of the great wars. Well, technically, after the great wars. It was the day to recognized our freedom. Our freedom from what, we don't quiet know anymore. What few older transcripts remain, just mention something about walls. Most people take that as a metaphor.

What little I knew from my history classes, I had long forgotten. I had only pay attention in the first place due to a single figure. They were basically a god. Single-handy they brought our salvation and freedom. So that is how the text books go.

Now I am pretty sure that man had help. He may have been known as Humanity's Strongest. But there is no way he could have fought the great wars himself. Of course, that was many years ago. My knowledge has long since faded, even if I still remembered my adoration. That figure was the only reason I ever pay attention in class. So once we were done with the Great wars, I stopped caring. Its a surprise I ever passed history.

But where I failed at history, I excelled at mythology. I had always preferred the stories of wondrous creatures over the deeds of humans. Titans were the things that had grabbed my interest in Mythology. Since then I had expanded, but I still felt a weird hate for the giant humanoids. Part of me was very grateful I would never have to face one. Even though they were mythological, I still feared them greatly.

As I navigated my way home, I sent a silent thank you to the heroes of old. Even if I didn't know what they had done. They still had an effect on this world. It may be petty, being grateful for empty streets, but I took joy were I could.

I made it home with little interference, and set about getting ready for the others to return. Ar and Mika would most likely arrive at the same time. Annie had mentioned something about not coming home until tomorrow. So I mentally prepared for the two of them.

I put away all my stuff and got started on making muffins. I could have done it from scratch, but I decided to use the pre-done mixes we had. Three bags later I had two muffin tins in the oven cooking. I then started some fresh coffee and washed the dishes I had used. After everything was put away, I wiped down the counters. Once everything was near again, I poured myself some coffee. Coffee in hand I booted up my laptop. I wanted to go over some of the stuff I had written already, kind of refresh my brain on where I was in the story.

The oven timer finally went off and I pulled the muffins out to cool. Once they were all situated on the cooling rack the couch turned into my nest, and I got to work. Normally when I started reading my works, I would start with the latest two or four chapters. This time I figured I would started from the middle of my completed work. I honestly didn't think I would get any inspiration for writing, but I needed to remember some of my more vague plot points.

There wasn't a whole lot that I had written, only about 300 pages. And because of everything that had been going on, I didn't expect to be drawn into my own story. So when I finished reading 150 pages, the craving to write was totally unexpected. It overtook me completely, and I found myself submersed into my world.

With each new sentence, I found myself craving more. I needed to know what was going to happen next. That drove me to type faster, The word appeared on the screen without me having to think about. It was exciting, being lost like that. Being about to see where the plot was going. The story unfolded itself for me. I felt alive, even if I was barely aware of that fact.

By time Mika and Ar finally came home, I was hitting the end of my inspiration. Thankfully it wasn't the dying out I had felt before. This was more of the need to pause. Let myself stew over what I had already written.

When the door opened to allow my two friends in, I was still buried in my touch ups. Mika's laugh filled the air, followed by a breathy chuckle from Ar. I didn't take the time to say hello, but I did grunt when they shouted for me from the door. I don't know if they heard me, but they understood. Once they saw me, their voices quieted down as they moved around our home. Eventually I felt them settled behind me. The house settled into a content quiet, all that was hear was the tapping on my keys. Though I was still barely aware of my surroundings.

After I was done with my touch ups, I felt my heart swell with quiet joy. They were always very considerate of my writing, and did what they could to be supportive. With how I've been the past month or so, they have been even more understanding. While They didn't know what was going on, they knew me enough to give me extra support and understanding. All I could feel for them was grateful. Grateful for everything have done for me. And everything I know they will do in the future. Once I was finished, I saved my work on three documents. This seemed like over kill to others, but I had my reasons. I then took a second to ground myself before turning to face my family.

Mika was sitting with their chair against the wall. Their body was mostly facing me, but they were focused on Armin. Armin was facing the table and Mika. He was leaning on his arms, and I could sense how content he was from here. They took a second to notice me. Once they did, both turned to me with huge smiles on their faces. I gave them a one in return and threw my arms out, “Welcome home, Mika, Armin. I missed you two.”

“Missed you, too!” was echoed back at me. Which was followed by laughter on all sides. Those two often talked at the same time. Which was funny since everyone thought Mika and I would be the ones to do that. “Who's adventures do you want to hear about first?” Armin ask me, as I got up joined them at the table. I saw that the muffins had been taken to the table and grabbed one with a grin.

I looked between the two of them as I took a bite. They both looked excited to rely their stories to me, and the expressions on their faces made me snort internally. Somehow they looked like excited children returning from their first day of school. I shrugged, “You two choose, my brain is fried.” Armin rolled his eyes as Mika's hand shot out. They had their hand ready for rock paper scissors, and Armin rose to the silent challenge.

“Best two out of three?” He asked as he mimicked their position. I went to get myself some coffee, trying to stifle a yawn. I was still very tired, even though I slept twice last night. It was going to take a few more weeks of solid sleep before I was back to normal.

Once my coffee was made I wandered back to the kitchen. Judging by Mika's smug face I guessed they won. Once settled at the table, Mika sat up and started on their story.

“Soooooooooo.” They drew out that first word for so long, I was sure something bad had happened. “I may not have gone to Shina like I had planned.” I raised an eyebrow at them, waiting for an elaboration. They took a deep breath and grinned slightly. “I went south instead. And boy, am I glad I did. The weather was beautiful, and I still wish I had dragged you with me. Maybe next time....”They paused giving me a pointed look. They had been worried about me not getting out of the house enough. I just shrugged as they continued. “Anyway! They've been getting a lot of rain lately, so everything was super lush. I got a lot of great wild flower photos. There are some pretty good wildlife photos as well.” I nodded. Mika loved taking photos of nature. Human structures bored them, and they didn't like living in a city. That was why we choose the college we did. It was rural based, since it was an agriculture school. Everything was also very spread out. While still being within 20-30 minutes of any part of town. It kept everything from feeling crowded, while still being convenient. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to leave this town.

Mika grabbed another muffin and bit into it before they continued. “I did get to check out the smaller towns in the area. There were some pretty cool herb shops in each one. It was interesting. I found out that, while most people knew that doctors were your best choice for ailments, they couldn't always get to one. Be it because of distance, or money, or other such things. I was surprised that distance could be an issue in this day and age. I'm so used to having everything so close together now. I guess you forget that not everywhere is like that. All in all, it was a fun trip. I met some cool people, and I plan to go back. One of the older lady's that I helped out ask me to take some photos for her. I told her I would bring them back by after I got them developed.” At this point Mika was smiling at their muffin. Their face was relaxed, and you could see how happy this trip had made them. “She's going to use them to make a detailed herb book. Each one is going to have detailed pictures of plants and their look alike. She spoke about how hard it was for some people to understand the differences by reading about them. So I may be part of a book development.”

“I'm glad you went, Mika.” I said grabbing their hand and giving it a quick squeeze. They just smiled and nodded at me. We took a second to bask in the happy glow before turning our attention to Armin. He had been munching away on muffins this whole time, since Mika had already told him their adventures. I was sure we were going to hear more about them later. Mika's stories came in spurts. Tell all the big details first. Then move onto the smaller ones.

When he realized we were staring at him, he swallowed and motioned to the coffee pot. “Refuel first. I really am unsure how I am going to describe everything. So I need a few more minutes to get my brain together.”

Ar then looked down at his muffin and sighed. Mika and I exchanged looks. Silently I grabbed our coffee mugs while Mika worked on gathering Armin to the couch. By time I had all three mugs doctored, they were both snuggled on, leaving space for me on the left side. Gave them their own mugs and the settled in beside Armin.

For a while we just drank our coffee in silence. I knew that Armin would start once he was ready. He always felt like he wasn't good enough for explaining new things. Everyone that knew him, knew better. Didn't mean he believed us. I snuggled against him, offering the comfort of physical contact. A few more minutes of content silence passed, then Armin cleared his throat. He went to speak, but just sighed again instead. “Yeah...this is going to be a lot of information to process.”

“How about you just tell us the basics of what you did? You can go over the nitty gritty details once you have had time to decompress.” I asked whiled turning to look at him.  
“That does seem like an easier plan for you, right now. Like you said, you have a lot to process. Maybe going over the basics would allow your brain to let go of some excess?” Mika said that in their calm but understanding voice. Armin started to chew on his lip. I knew part of his issue was that he wanted to tell me all about it. He liked knowing I could add some things into my story. I didn't want it to stress him though.

“Truthfully, I don't think I would be able to grasp any heavy ideas right now. This was the first time in a month, that I had done any real writing. So maybe it would be best all around to stick with the basics?” That drove the nail home and he finally nodded. He hated being an inconvenience to others. And while we had worked a lot of that out of him, sometimes it worked in his favor. He curled up, and snuggled into the cushy back of the couch. His mug was taken by Mika, who placed it on the table. With his hands no longer occupied, they went around his legs. Finally he started to speak.

“Well, the conference was on Saturday. I told y'all that before I left. I was excited because it mean I got to explore the city all day Friday. The train ended up running late though. SO I didn't get in until LATE Thursday. It was already dark when I got to my hotel. And there were clouds gathering. They had blocked out the moon, which is how I noticed. The city lights kept any stars from being seen. I was lucky though, I was in my room when I heard the sky open up. It was all at once.” Armin shuddered a little. He could handle storms, but they sometimes get to him. Mika wrapped an arm around him and I put a hand on his. I felt him relax. Contact often helped him calm.

“Anyway. I went to bed shortly after arriving. And when I woke up, it was still raining.” I saw him start pouting. “I ended up spending most of my day inside the hotel. It was so frustrating. I did get to check out a cool cafe that was near by, but that was it.” He smiled at this. “It was small. Lovely. Homely almost. The people that owned it were very friendly. I kind of want to take you there some day.” That last part was directed at me. “I think you would adore it.”

I just nodded. If he thought it was lovely, I was inclined to believe him. Armin had a great eye when it came to beauty. Even if said beauty didn't follow mainstream standards. Which usually meant he found the best things. I felt him shift, uncurling his body. He slowly stretched out, putting an arm around me and then one around Mika. As we snuggled against him, I was struck at how filled out he had become. He was still boyish. A little on the skinny side. But he was broader than his cloths let on. He was actually as tall as myself now, and we were both a little taller than Mika. Much to her displeasure. She always wanted the full Warrior Woman look. Sadly, she was smaller in build.

Once we were settled again, Armin continued his story. “The Cafe was really nice, and I ended up doing some school work there. I wanted a head start on this new year.” I rolled my eyes at that comment, Mika snorted, and Armin looked upset. “You can't ever start to early you guys!” We both just made noises at him. Trying not to laugh. Ar just sighed again and gave up. “Anyway, Friday ended up being a bust. But Saturday almost made up for it. Not only did I get to learn a lot about the new areas we've explored, but I met someone I thought was kind of cool.” I went to jump up but was held down by his arm around me. “We only talked briefly, but he was super well versed in everything going on in the conference. It was really nice to talk to someone who understood. Plus...he was kind of gorgeous.”

I gave Armin a look. The look. The look that said I noticed he didn't mention getting this person's number. Which meant he didn't. He just smirked at me.

“Did you happen to figure out why he may have been there? Maybe see if he would show up at another one?” Mika asked, always the logical one. Armin just shrugged.

“I'm not really concerned. He was attractive. But I don't know him.” He pointedly ignored the looks Mika and I shot his way. “It was just a nice reprieve from my utterly busted Friday.” He held up his hands, still ignoring our looks. “I promise guys, its fine.” We still didn't relent with our stares though.

For a few minutes we all just sat in silence. I was in a huff. Armin was trying to be super stoic. Mikasa was actually being stoic. It was a showdown of who would break first. Finally Armin sagged a little and leaned against me. “How about this guys. If, and this is a big if.” He a took a deep breath. “If I see him again, I'll try. Mind you I mean try. I'll try to get his number. Will that be okay?”

I warped my arm around Ar and smiled slightly. “That is all we could ask for. You need to try to reach out at some point.” Armin just nodded and snuggled me slightly. Mikasa seemed to also agree with this thought. Their head fell back to rest on the couch. Their body relaxed. They placed a hand on Armin's leg as we sat in silence for a little bit longer.

The relaxed spell was broken by Ar as he shifted around us. “Thank you, you two. I know I tend to...keep myself at bay. I appreciate you pushing me. Even if it is scary. And knowing when to pull back.” Mika just hummed in response. I have Armin a squeeze, and we drifted back off to silence.  
It was Mika who spoke up this time, breaking the quiet night. Their voice was more reserved than before, and they shifted their face too look at me. “So...Eren. How was your weekend.” I winced slightly, Mika's hesitation hurting more than being asked. The under lying question clear. 'Are you going to tell us whats going on?' I knew I had planned to talk to them about everything. That didn't mean I didn't feel bad for worrying them.

With a small sigh, I shifted out from around Armin. When talking about something heavy, I liked to sit normally. It kept me focused. Armin got up right after I moved and nudged me to sit in the middle. Who ever was doing the most talking always sat in the middle. It was a thing. I scooted over and Armin squeezed into the end space. I then placed my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, eyes closed. I really didn't know how to explain everything to them. So I took a few minutes to ground myself. I thought back on my time with Sasha after I found my center. I started from the beginning then, so I would do the same now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo I will be going back down south (in the USA) to go to a comic convention during September. I'm currently working on two major outfits for it, and so I have no real focus on writing right now. I do plan to try and write a little here and there, but I have a focus and I'm sticking to it.  
> As such, this may be my last update for the month. I only have about two weeks left to get everything done and ready. Plus I am going to be moving right when I get back.  
> I hope to do a post while I'm down in GA, but I won't make any promises.  
> Anyway! Comment and let me know what you think of the story. That would actually motivate me a lot more to continue writing. If I know someone is reading, it gives me strength.
> 
> Good-day loves!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was only like half a page. Then I felt the motivation to write. So here you go. It is still utter trash, but i hope you enjoy it anyway. Hopefully updates will be more frequent now that moving and Con is done.

     For thirty minutes all that was heard was my voice. Broken, small. For thirty minutes I explained everything. Slowly. Piece by piece I painted the picture. Nothing was left out. The nights of no sleep. The nightmares I can't quiet make out. The anxiety I have felt for the future. Wondering if I was good enough for anything. If I was ever going to be more than a wanna be writer. College. How I felt like something...someone was missing. My ramblings ended with me telling them of the dream I had last night. The nightmare that wasn't quiet one. I explained the peace. Even though I felt like I was leaving some important people behind. Mikasa's hand tightened on my arm as I did so. I felt Mika tense while I did so.  
     Finally I fell silent. My fingers were tingling. One leg started to bounce. I felt my focus start to shift. The world went from clear, to blurry. I tried to do my breathing exercises. Tried to do something to stem off the anxiety attack I was falling into.  
But I couldn't stop it. My brain start going a mile a minute. Picking apart everything I had said. How I had said it. If I should have used those words, or different ones. I couldn't focus on the world around me, but I felt Armin get off the couch.  
     Mikasa pushed me to the spot he had taken up, allowing me space. One hand remained on my arm. Ancoring me, ever so slightly. I tried to pull away from the negative thoughts filling my head, tried to stem them off. Yet instead I felt me shut down. Slowly, the outside world became less and less noticable. Then my inner thoughts grew quiet. And I was at peace. Neither in my head, nor asleep.  
     I just was.  
     When I came back to, I had a cup of warm tea in my hands. It was in the blue-gray mug that Armin had made me back in highschool. The color of storms, as I called it. Using that cup, I was able to focus on the world around me. Armin and Mikasa were talking, both to me and to each other. I could hear their worry, even as they tried to remain calm. Guilt flared up in my chest, to I forced myself to focus on what they were saying. Not wanting another attack so soon after this one.  
Their conversation was basic. Talking about Armin's teachers from school. Mikasa's last run in with a dude who thoughts they didn't know how to work on cars. How they really wanted to hang out with our group soon. Simple things. Things I could follow. Things that didn't make me think.  
     Tears started to fall from my eyes, but I couldn't pinpoint why. Either from the overwhelming gratefulness I had for them. Or the fact that I was so broken they had made coping mechanisms for me. My sniffle brought their full attention to me. Their conversation fell to an end. The room was quiet before I cleared my throat, trying to get my vocal cords to work with me. I realised that Armin was sitting in the Papasan. Mika was still on the couch, a blanket wrapped tightly around their body.  
     After a moment, I managed to get my voice to work. Even though it was quieter than normal, “How...How long?” I cleared my throat again, and groaned in frustration.  
Mika removed their arm from their nest and patted my leg softly, “Only about 10 minutes.” Their gentle voice was soothing, and I nodded. I finally took real notice of the tea in front of me, and took a drink of it. It had cooled considerably, but its faint warmth still spread through me. I felt a small smile pull at me lips, even as fresh tears came forth.  
I heard Ar shift, and his voice was troubled when he spoke. “Eren, whats wrong? Do I need to get something different? I just thought...”  
     I shook my head and looked up at him. The tears still sat on my eyelashes, yet I felt a strength settle in my gut. “I just miss them. Whoever this person is. And I can't help but feel like they are real. That this isn't just something I am making up.”  
     Armin frowned slightly, but nodded. I knew he had a hard time understanding this feeling. Yet he wasn't going to deny my experience. He shifted back into the papasan, and I went back to the tea. Mika whispered something about going to the bathroom, and got up.  
     By time they returned, I had shifted into the middle of the couch. My arm was wrapped around Armin as he leaned into my side. I heard them pause in the hallway. They chuckled softly, before walking over to us. Reaching to the table they grabbed my now empty mug and looked at the two of us. “Do either of you want some more?” I nodded and gave Mika a smile. Armin whispered a quiet yes, which prompted Mika to walk back to the kitchen. I took that time to lay against the side of the couch, pulling Armin to lay on top of me. My fingers rubbed small circles into his back, and I felt him relax. The sound of Mika making tea was relaxing. By time they were done, we were all a lot calmer than before.  
     Armin sat up and moved back to the papasan, taking his tea with a grateful nod to Mika. His was in a sky blue mug that Mika had made him. I kept my back on the side cushion, but pulled my knees to my chest. They handed me back my mug, and then sat on the otherside of the couch. A yellow mug in hand, which was my handi work. For a few minutes we were quiet, focused slowly on the mugs in our hands.  
     My voice was the one to break the silence. “Do you remember how angry you were with me, when I made Mika that mug Ar?” My voice was no longer shaky, which was nice. Armin shot me an afforted look before snorting into his mug.  
     “Of course I do! You took my idea without my permission!” He huffed, “It was supposed to be my thank you gift!”  
     Mikasa giggled beside us which made me raised an eyebrow at her. “Its not his fault you were going to wait another year before you made it. Plus I had told you I didn't want the return gift. It wasn't like I had planned for it to mean so much.”  
     Armin shrugged, “Truthfully Eren's look when he got his was the best. I honestly can't believe we made you cry over a mug.” Armin's eyes crinkled and I couldn't help but laugh a little.  
     I couldn't explain how much it had meant to be included like that. Yeah I knew they were simple mugs, but they meant a lot more than that to me. As I looked to the other two, a happiness settled around me. “They meant we would always be connected. Even before we moved in together.” I ducked my face behind my mug, feeling my neck heat up.  
     “Oh I know, Eren. And I thought the same thing as I made yours.” Armin's voice was quiet. I looked up to see him smiling down at his mug, a far away look on his face.  
     “I honestly never thought that my one mug would cause this.” Mika said, looking at Armin's mug. Their eyes were focused and clear as they turned to look to me. “But I can say I'm glad it. Its...a feeling I can't explain. There is something that feels right about knowing I was able to do something so important for us. With something I felt was so small.”  
     I wiggled a foot to place on Mikasa's and Armin cleared his throat. “I never thought that it was a small gift.” I nodded, and Mika just smiled at us.  
Slowly our conversation drifted to more meaningless stuff. Who had what planned. When class started back up for Armin. If Annie was going to stay with Ymir and Christa. (We all thought yes.) Stuff like that.  
     The sky outside out window had grown dark by time Annie open the door quietly. We called a greeting to her as she took off her shoes. Her quiet voice returned it. As she came into the room I informed her that there was already warm water (I left the kettle on low), and she went to get some tea. Mika and I shifted on the couch. So she joined us in the center of it once she had her tea.  
     We asked her about her weekend, prying for details. She informed us that the weekend was good. Ymir and Christa had asked her to be an offical partner for them. She looked down at her toes as she said that, a small blush on her cheeks.  
     When pushed for her answer she explained that she had said no. “I love them, I do. And they know this. I just...something isn't right about me being their partner. At least...currently. I had been able to explain it better to them. And they were completely understanding. They said we could come back to it later. But for now we're sticking with what we've got.” She wiggled her toes, which I saw out of the corner of my eye. “Do you think I did the right thing?  
     Her had gone quiet at that point, and I could only nod. “You have to listen to that inner voice. Even if you don't understand why it says what it does.” Mikasa and even Armin nodded their agreemnts to that. Annie just smiled softly at me, before going back to sipping her tea.  
     “Thanks.” I just nodded, and we went back to silence for a while. I took the time to study Annie, and I could really tell the weekend had been good for her. While she never look tense, she always seems alert. Like there was a threat her had to be on the look out for. Kind of like Connie would. Right now though, she was only focused on the here and now. It was a nice look on her. She looked like she felt safe.  
     After a while I started to yawn. At that point I excused myself. I asked Mika and Armin to explain the details of my issues to Annie. She had known more than they did. But now not so much. I kissed them all the tops of the heads, earning a snort from Annie. Ar and Mika had long gotten used to my affection, while it was still new to Annie.  
I went to my room and grabbed a fresh pair of boxers. As I was getting undressed, I realised I hadn't had a shower in two days. I groaned, threw my dirty shirt into my laundry basket, and wandered back into the hallway. “I'm taking a shower!” I called to the huddled lumps in the living room. I heard some grunts in reply and snickered. My family was the best.  
     After a quick shower, I found myself dressed and finally ready for sleep. Crawling into bed my whole body instantly relaxed. And I was out like a light.


	7. Of cuddle nests and Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well good news! I have chapter eight already written. So I'll be able to post it in two weeks. Yay for finally posting on time. (I don't know how late I am this time. Gomen). To all you lovely people who are still around, I wanted to thank you. I plan to rewrite some of the other chapters. But nothing will really change. I just want to neaten them up and make them easier to read.

     My sleep was disturbed by the opening of my door. I identified the intruder as Armin by his soft grunts. I started to shift around, only to feel someone else behind me. I felt around and realized it was Mika. I gently pushed her, and she turned to face the wall, kind of pressed up against it. I turned to spoon her. Armin got in and pressed his back against me. I smiled and tried to go back to sleep.

     As I started to drift off, I heard shuffling outside my door again. Instantly I started squeezing us all closer together and made room for Annie. Armin pressed closed to me, and somehow there was just enough room for her to slip in. A few grunts and complaints later, we all were settled on my bed. My last thought as I fell sleep once more was, 'I need a king size soon.'

* * *

 

     I knew I was dreaming. Could tell by how my body moved. Every shift was heavy, and I felt like I was walking through water. There was a sense of doom around me. It set my body on edge. Goosebumps traveled up my arms. I looked around, and found that nothing was blurry. It was just...dark. I tried to walk forward, and felt something brush against me. It was to dark to see what though. I felt like I was standing in really thick water, and the smell of iron was filling my nose. Then I felt anger.

     It almost made me fall with how sudden it was. Like a switch in my brain was just flipped. I went from afraid to an all consuming rage. I screamed and my body shook and I tried to stay on my feet. I could feel my mind going into the darkest part of my soul. I felt a hate that scared me, but at the same time it gave me strength. And in that moment I knew I was broken.

* * *

 

     Waking was immediate, and physical. I lurched from my bed with a cry. My brain was a mess and part of me was still in the dream. I could still feel the rage flowing through my mind. I tried to take some deep breaths as someone woke up next to me. I didn't look at who it was, just covered my face with my hands. Small arms wrapped themselves around me and I just shook some more. I could tell it was Annie by how small she was. She hummed softly to me. I used that to work myself down from my fear, anger, and sadness.

     With a snort I withdrew my face and gave her a wane smile. Feeling a little bit more human. She just blinked up at me, sleep still etched on her face. Her blond hair was a mess, and she could barely open her eyes. I gave her a real smile once I took her appearance in. She then snuggled into my side with a sigh. We sat like that for a few minutes before I realized that the others were gone. I finally listened to my surroundings and heard a shower going across the hallway. “Armin is cooking breakfast, I think.” Annie whispered, being able to tell what I was thinking by how I tensed. I ran a hand through her hair and nodded. I whispered a thanks and she shrugged.

     “I think I'm ready for coffee. You should sleep some more if you can.” I said as I slowly detached myself from her. She just sighed sleepily at me and curled up in the middle of the bed. I smiled and threw a shirt on before making my way to the front of my home. The smell of coffee and omelets wafted at me and I heard my stomach growl angrily.

     Looking at the kitchen I saw Armin flipping a omelet on to a plate. His face was blank, and he was overly focused on the task on hand. I then heard the coffee pot beep and all my attention was drawn to it. To tired to be able to figure out what was wrong with him. I mumbled a good morning to Ar and he just waved the spatula at me. By time I was done getting my cup ready, I heard the shower shut off. And it sounded like Annie left my room. A minute later my thought was confirmed when a sleepy blond joined me by the coffee machine. I patted her head and then moved to the table, knowing there wasn't enough space for me to stay in there.

     I was done with my first cup when Mika finally joined us for breakfast. Their short hair almost completely dry. They grabbed my cup as they went passed me. I tried to complain and they just waved a hand at me. At the same time Armin announced he was just about finished with the omelets. I got up and started grabbing utensils and ketchup. As an after thought I grabbed the OJ as well as four glasses. It would be good for us to drink more than just coffee in the morning. With in minutes our sleepy family was eating in peace. The only sounds coming from food consumption. None of us were true morning people. Armin was better at faking it than any of us. But even he had his limits.

     I offered to help Annie clean up, while Armin took a morning shower. She accepted the help and we were done by time Armin was. His showers always were quick. I then brushed my teeth before Annie took her shower. With all the basic morning stuff done I took my laptop from the coffee table and sat on the papasan. After asking Mika to pass my headphones from their hook on the wall, I decided to drown out the world around me.

     As I read everything I wrote yesterday, I felt like someone was staring at me. A glance up show Armin sitting across from me, an unreadable expression on his face. I moved my bangs from my face and raised an eyebrow at him. When I realized he wanted to talk I muted the music and took my headphones off. “Whats up?” I asked. I felt like I should have been up set he wanted to interrupt my writing, but I knew better. My mind wandered to last night and I closed my laptop. It finally clicked that everyone had a nightmare last night. I mentally kicked myself before making sure Armin knew my full attention was on him

     He was looking down at his hands down, a small blush on his face. He seemed annoyed, or upset, with himself. I knew that the look, I often had it when I felt I was being a burden to my family. “Hey, Armin. Do you want to go out somewhere today?” He was the type to feel better simply by walking outside of the house. “I could ask Mika and Annie if they want to join? It seems like we all had nightmares last night.” I saw him tense briefly as I started talking, but by the end he was looking at me through his bangs. His blond wet hair was in a braid, which fell over his shoulder. It left a dark spot on his shirt. He nodded his head once, and I gave him a smile. “Alright. I'll let everyone know.”

     Getting up I placed my laptop in its slot under the table. I then closed up the Papasan and started to Mika's room. As I passed Armin, I paused and placed a hand on his shoulder. He leaned into me a little and took a shaky breath. I gripped him slightly and then left.

     I knocked on Mika's door and heard their voice from the other side, “Its opened!”

     I let myself in and leaned against her doorway. I wasn't a big fan of entering anyone's bedroom. Since I didn't like people in mine. Mika was sitting in their plush chair, their laptop opened up. From their expression I figured they was doing photography stuff. I waited, since I could tell they were in the middle of something. After a few minutes they looked up at me and smiled a little. I noticed it didn't reach their eyes.

     I told them about how Armin was feeling. Then I explained how I had offered to have us all talk about what happened last night. They raised an eyebrow at me in a silent question. Their smile falling away. Mika rarely had any dreams, let alone nightmares. “I know you were worried about me, Mika.” I said. I looked out her window and smiled as I saw a bird fly by. “I also know that everything going on has you also freaked out. Which is the main reason you came to my bed first last night. So I was making sure you didn't want to spend sometime with us, to see if it would help you calm down.” Mika ran their hand through their hair, a contemplative look in their eyes. The rest of their face was blank. Black hair was cut in a bob around their ears, and was highlighted with electric blue streaks. One eyebrow had a piercing. And that was only in because Mika wasn't at work.

     You could also kind of see their Wings of Freedom tat on the underside of their arm. Its sketched pattern stark against her pale skin. Armin, Annie, and myself also had a pair on different parts of our bodies. I got mine when I moved out of my father's place. When Ar and Mika joined me, they got theirs done as well. Annie was included when she moved into this place with us. We all felt a strong connection to the symbol of the past. Thought none of us could really explain why. The Scout Legion was something of a forbidden topic in our society. Even though everyone knew that the Heroes came from there. Yet, it would always be talked about in hush whispers. Yet no one could explain why.

     I pulled myself from my thoughts, realizing that Mikasa was giving me a weird look. “I totally missed whatever it is you just said.” I admitted sheepishly. “I kind of got sucked into my own thoughts.” Mika just rolled their eyes before looking back down at their laptop.

     “Thanks for inviting me, Eren. As you know, I didn't have a bad dream so much as a bad feeling. It was kind of like those nights after my parents died. One where I couldn't sleep alone.” They took a deep breath before looking back at me. “I really don't want to talk to anyone right now. When I'm ready I will. For now though, just focus on the other two.”

     I ran a hand through my hair, and grimaced at the knots it had. “Just know that we're here for you. If you just want to be in the same space as us, that would also be fine. However, I understand needing some alone time. Trust me.” I looked up at the ceiling and then back at her. “I love you, Mika. Are you sure you are going to be okay right now?”

     Mika smiled. It didn't reach their eyes, but it was one that gave me comfort. They used to give me that smile when they first moved in with my family. It was Mika's best way of saying thank you. “Yes, I'm sure. I just need to quiet the voices in my head right now.” I nodded at that. I then came over and gave them a quick hug.

     They placed a hand on my arm and I took a deep breath. I didn't mind them not being there. I knew they often had to take time to think by themselves. I just kind of had hoped for the support. I don't think I'm the best at comforting others, and it was nice to have a fall back. I gave Mika a squeeze and straighten up. I wasn't going to push them into it though. I said a soft good luck and let myself out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feed the writer. I live off of comments, kudos, and the likes.

**Author's Note:**

> I live for feed back, kudos, and just general comments!


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